Creating the relationships you wantJun 09, 2022
As humans, we need each other, it’s how we’re baked.
It’s kinda crazy how stressed we get over making time for each other, sharing what’s in our hearts, communicating difficult news, discussing controversial topics, and wondering if something’s appropriate to bring up, or if we should wait for the other person to bring it up (hint: they’re waiting for us to do it). We have expectations, and we guard ourselves against disappointment. We make assumptions. We assume they can read our minds and know our needs when they can barely put the dishes away the way we want them to. We build a moat and call ourselves independent. We lean too far into someone and call ourselves the one doing all the work. Or, we toggle between the two.
HOW’S YOUR DIGESTION?
Just like when your digestive system is in its optimal state you can eat anything, when you’re operating from a trusted and curious sense of self, you can accept, transform, and nourish yourself through your relationships in real time. No constipation, runs, allergies, heartburn, sleepiness/ sleeplessness, headaches, or fog. Just gifts and connection.
CARE ENOUGH TO SHARE
When you care and trust enough to share, you and the people you’re into will interact genuinely, and you’ll generously give each other a chance at a fulfilling relationship. It begins with one person, and that person is you. Sharing is a combination of sharing you and giving the other person enough space to share back. You know who you are: you’re the talker, or you’re more the listener. Attempt to get a little uncomfortable the other way.
HI, I’M SAVITREE, AND I’M A RECOVERING RUNAWAY (from intimacy)
As a child, I was shamed when I asked questions. The message was, I should know, or I should be able to find the answer myself. This made me afraid to raise my hand in class, and I didn’t do anything to risk being wrong. So, as I stepped into my young adulthood…
- It felt good to be the one that everyone came to, and where I don’t have to share myself.
- It felt good to have people at arm's length (I mistook it for healthy boundaries) so that I don’t have to do the work involved in getting and staying close to someone, mostly because I was afraid they wouldn’t accept me if they knew me better.
- It felt good to drop expectations so I’m not disappointed (isn’t that the yogic way?).
- It felt right to come out when I’m feeling great and stay in when I’m feeling vulnerable, unclear and afraid to share.
Good meaning ”safe,” but man did it have limitations. When I tried to step out of that, I felt fragile. You can’t grow this way. Actually, you can, but you grow soooooooooooooooooo slow. It's painful. And your body starts to manifest the pain in other ways. The tension.
With very little in expectations, and a whole lot of assumptions, you don’t have to live up to any of them yourself. Just come out when you’re doing great and go back when you’re not. No one can hold you accountable. In fact no one can hold you… Call it healthy boundaries, self-care, busy schedules, being out of town, whatever you want, but I’ll call it what it was for me: hiding… from the relationships and experiences I hungered for.
Can you relate?
POWER OF THE REAL YOU
People want to connect with the real you. Not the complaining you because even that’s a shield. The real you.
When you stop judging (yourself first), others stop judging. When you become vulnerable, others become vulnerable. When you get curious, others get curious. When you share, they share. When you cry, they cry. When you share hard news, you give us all an opportunity to understand and love each other more deeply. When you disagree without making someone wrong or making yourself right, you got it, you end up feeling heard.
And from time to time, you will run into those that aren't meant to have that much focus in your life.
- Use your time and energy in appropriate amounts for each situation. Your body will tell you. Listen to the voice inside - that voice you feel before you start thinking. Btw, all the work we do at HealedLovedFed is to increase your body (your heart and gut) intelligence.
- Stop spending time and energy hiding and start practicing trust and curiosity. Start by getting honest with yourself and acknowledge when you’re doing it. This is the key to showing up authentically. Side note in case you need to hear this: bullying yourself isn’t honesty.
- If your nervous system isn’t ready to do the work with others in the way that your Soul wants you to, then start by showing up for the more difficult things you need to do for yourself, like get up early, meditate, get honest with yourself, and journal.
- Start showing up in group settings where you don’t have to talk, like a yoga class, and be regular and disciplined about it. You’ll strengthen your nervous system.
- Chant out loud to strengthen your voice. It’s good for your thyroid and will begin to meet your hunger to express.
- When you meditate, learn to get in your body instead of your head, and then afterwards to journal in stream of consciousness from your highest Self.
Over the next few weeks I’ll cover more simple practices to guide you towards better understanding yourself to create the relationships you want.
The key to understanding others is to first know yourself. –Anonymous