How to come out with your bad*ss Self

When we talk about support systems, we mostly talk about whether or not we have supportive people in our lives. It’s great to have people that support who we are and what we’re doing, people who listen, who actually get us and don’t judge us. What often gets missed is any mention of our internal support system, because it’s even nicer when we’re listening to, not judging, and accepting ourselves enough to be able to receive the supportive others in our lives. 

If someone were to ask me: what is the one lesson you find you have to learn over and over again? My answer would be: amazing, supportive people exist all around me, who want to be amazing and supportive with me. But I often forget that. 

I forget that… 

“I have no one who’d want to support me if I really needed help… they would see me as unworthy of support… they would have better things to do” 

…is just a story I decided to carry repeatedly, even when it was so obvious I was wrong (just not to me). I can look historically at moments when I didn’t see people literally throwing lifelines at me. 

And, I’ve been on the other side of that where I have been there to support others, and they couldn’t see it. 

We tend to lean into the negatives, perhaps as a way to protect ourselves from hurt and disappointment. And that turns into avoidance, and we create the hurt and disappointment ourselves, as if that’s safer. We fear what we fear, and we pick up the signs around us to show how right we are. 

One of my teachers shared a story about how, during a walk with her husband, she was so afraid of slipping that she became hyper focused on the walkway while her husband was enjoying the beautiful sky. And she was like, “there’s a sky??!!” 

I’m committed now to catching myself thinking thoughts that make me shrink and not see the sky. I say, oh there it is again, and I reorganize myself and say, 

HERE IS EVIDENCE that I am wrong! (and I list them)

I know what I’m doing. (and I list evidence of my right decisions)

I make a difference in people’s lives. (I list them)

This person loves me. (I list evidence - I give benefit of doubt!)

That person is happy to hear from me. (you got it)

and so on. 

Do it long enough, you start believing in your higher worth, and you begin to show up differently. After all, our belief systems are built on thinking - being exposed to - the same things repeatedly. That’s all it is. We can hack that. 

This is how you can create an internal support system that fully supports your growth, helps you thrive, and creates joy in your life. 

1. Pay attention to your thoughts aka what your inner coach says, and fire that coach if you don’t like what you hear. It may be helpful to keep a picture of you around of when you were little (might I suggest setting it as your wallpaper on your phone?), and when shrinking thoughts come up, try saying them out loud to your picture. Yeah. I know. Turn it around like my own example above. Go to #2.
2. Meditate and move your body daily. These practices will realign your mind to be your ally and increase your body’s responsiveness and receptiveness. They shovel away all the stinking crap you’ve been telling yourself and begin to unearth the true you - the you that knows there’s a sky. You want to build a deep reservoir that can’t be shaken. Daily does it.
3. Regularly connect with a highly intentioned community that’s working on real house-holder stuff… finding calm and purpose and living joyfully in a world where there are bills to pay, children and aging parents to take care of, coworkers to deal with, meals to put on the table, and alarm clocks to turn off. What we see and hear from the people we spend the most time with becomes a part of our reality, so it’s crucial to find a group whose conversation and values is what you want to be adopting as a part of your internal dialogue. What you plant, what you water, grows. 

Make these key practices a part of your daily hygiene, and you’ll see your actual physiology shift to make accessible all the support that surrounds you and allow you to lock hands with and embrace others who are, and have been, waiting for you to come out with your badass Self and play.